Stay In The Closet
by Facetious White
Summary: Two insane fangirls, one fluffy Sirius, one naked Snape, and the characters that we love most from other fandoms...all yanked into Hogwarts: in other words Sheer Chaos.
1. Of Portkeys & Fangirls

**TITLE:** Stay In The Closet

**AUTHOR:** LoveableMuggle

**DISLAIMER:** I don't own anything from any fandom mentioned in this story. Also Mouse & Manson belong to themselves and can be found on deviant art here: http://www.chanchan-comics. For: Violence ( the playful kind 3 ), possible language, slash hints, fluff, and our attempts at humor.

**A.N:** please don't kill me it's just for fun and flames will still be ignored sickeningly sweet smile First Chapter is short...but the second one is a bit longer kay? X3  
AND NOW THEY'VE BEEN FIXED UP QUITE A BIT THANKS TO TEH NEW FISH ( beta ) MOUSE

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_CHAPTER 1 - Of Portkeys & Fangirls._

It all started when Mouse stole the portkey.

Well she didn't really 'steal' it. She kinda tripped over it and as no one claimed it after 45 and a half seconds, she just kept it. Wasn't easy lugging that big concrete block home but they did it - and Mouse made a necklace out of it. Given she didn't wear it much cause it gave her an awful backache, but sometimes you just could not resist sporting a portkey, now could you?

Alright, alright so they didn't actually know it was a portkey till Manson was chewing on it one day and they both found themselves standing next to the Potions Master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft And Wizardry. Well, naturally they were completely shocked, amazed and confused…for about 3 minutes ( the confused part was permanent but oh well ).

Well of course you can imagine the consequences of this. If you can't then obviously you have no brain whatsoever.

Severous Snape, of course, realized something was wrong as his eyes shifted to the two girls standing next to him and he slowly stopped stirring the cauldron in front of him.

Likewise, Mouse and Manson's eyes shifted to the Potions Master, then to each other, before returning to the Professor. In the next instant both Professor Snape and the girls had vanished.

Quite possibly because they had both tackled him at that exact moment.

20 minutes later found a very naked and annoyed Snape tied up in a storage closet with a spazzing Manson and apathetic Mouse standing outside the door.

Mouse was now dressed in the professor's robes, which where a bit too long for her but she managed all the same.

"Alright…I'm off to teach a potions class." Mouse's eyes shifted back and forth as she plotted. "You know what you have to do."

Manson began bouncing up and down in place quickly. "Yesh, master, yesssssh.."

Before Mouse could say anything else, Manson had taken off in a blur to find a maid's outfit to steal so she could invade the Ministry.

On her own, Mouse began to slowly make her way to the Potions classroom.

"I shall teach them to make hot chocolate, I suppose…seeing as it's the only potion I know."

And so it began that the Wizarding world was nearly destroyed and turned completely upside down by two obsessive fan girls and a few people who merely showed up from different stories, with no idea how they'd even gotten there.

Be afraid…Be very afraid…


	2. The Vail & Vampires

_CHAPTER 2 - The Veil & Vampires_

Manson had somehow managed to transfigure a set of maid's clothes for herself. Something Mouse never understood how she did seeing as

1. She didn't have a wand.

2. She was a complete muggle.

But she did it none the less, and was on her way to the Ministry before Mouse had even made it into the Potions room.

Yes I know, there aren't many maids, just house elves in this world. That's the genius of the plan!

Manson marched into the Ministry, stopping only for a moment to declare that she was there to wash the curtains, and marched straight to The Veil. No one bothered to stop her, they were all blinking much too hard trying to figure out just what it was that she was wearing, so of course they didn't know that she'd already managed to somehow yank The Veil down and stuff it into a washing machine that just appeared out of nowhere.

insert Autobot/Decepticon switch here

Neville raised his hand slowly, "I think my hot…my potion is done…uh, Professor."

Mouse's head didn't raise. "Shhh, I'm stitching." she mumbled, grinning down at her work as she put the finishing touches on a the newest addition to the hem of Snape's robes: A happy little cartoon anaconda preparing to eat a terrified Gryfindoor.

Moments later, more students said they had also finished their "potions"… which was all well and good, but Mouse kept losing her count of stitches and finally stood, twitching rather rapidly.

"Alright, then class…Drink the Potion you have just prepared." She paced back and forth in front of the bewildered class.

Hermione, being the suck up that she is, obeyed the new Professor Snape without a word and the others slowly followed her example.

Mouse now watched with glee the chaos of what happens when hot chocolate that was prepared in unwashed caldrons from previous lessons is drunk at slightly below boiling point. One by one, the students found themselves as chocolate frogs, bounding around the room in horror - well, all except Harry, who was finally noticing how long Snape's hair had suddenly gotten and wondering when he'd gotten a fringe.

Mouse smirked fittingly enough for the real Snape.

"Ahh look, Lunch."

Insert Batman theme here

The washer had stopped and The Veil was now stuffed into the dryer. Manson was anxiously awaiting the ding that would tell her that the spinning - ness was completed. Until then, she sat with rapt attention, watching through the glass door as the spinner went around and around.. And around….

insert Autobot/Decepticon switch here

Mouse picked the Frogified-Harry up and held him over a mouth stretched much too wide for any normal human face. Suddenly the realization hit her that they would, in fact, change back into human teenagers at some point and that the experience of having a belly full of sixteen year old was not something she wanted, so she promptly dropped a still-thinking Harry back to where he'd been.

Of course, now that she couldn't eat the students or teach them anything, staying in the potions classroom was utterly boring. Time to find the chocolate-obsessed werewolf and pay him a visit.

Of course, it was completely natural for "Professor Snape" to be storming down the hall so no one paid Mouse much attention except to clear a way for her. It was about this time that she was beginning to wonder just how stupid these great witches and wizards were if they couldn't tell that Snape had managed to grow lots more hair and gotten a nose job as well as grown a rather large set of breasts.

But even Remus didn't notice and greeted her as any other time as she marched to the front of the Defense Against the Dark Arts class.

It seemed they were learning about vampires? Mouse blinked in near confusion before gracing the started DADA Professor with a arrogant smile.

"I simply came to ask a question." Mouse turned to the quiet class and then back to Lupin. "How would you deal with a vampire like this, wolfboy?" She snapped her fingers and a yawning, white haired, seeming Billy Idol wanna-be stood in front of a disturbed Remus.

insert the tellytubby theme here

Slightly dizzy, but still ecstatic, Manson yanked open the dryer door and began pulling out pieces of The Veil (we're still not sure how she did that ) until finally, with a squeal of victory, she pulled a very disgruntled - and rather fluffy - Sirius Black from the metal contraption.

Naturally he protested loudly at being dragged about by the collar of his jacket, so Manson spun around quickly and flicked him on the nose.

"BAD DOG, BAD. You're alive and clean - stop complaining!"

Sirius blinked and then contented himself to being drug back to Hogwarts by the obviously insane girl in front of him.


	3. Bondage!

_CHAPTER 3 - Bondage!_

"HOW COULD YOU?!"

The brit accent fit in rather well here, mused Mouse.

"Hey, how was I supposed to know he would want to actually demonstrate how to kill a vampire?" Mouse defended herself as they walked down the hallway.

"Fine then…obviously I'm in an alternate universe…" he glared at the black clad figure beside him and added "again" under his breath before opening his mouth to continue.

Mouse snorted, interrupting him. "Pure genius! How long did it take you ta figure that one out?"

Naturally, he ignored this and went on with what he was saying in the first place.

"…seeing as how the sun isn't burning flesh from my bones and turning me into ash." he glared at nothing in particular - which he was very good at doing, really.

Mouse stopped and adopted a dramatic pose. Spike kept walking so she dropped the pose, which protested loudly so she picked it up again seeing as it had caught his attention anyhow.

"We are in…"

At that moment Manson popped out of no where to scream, " dun dun DUUUUUN" at the top of her lungs before vanishing again.

"…the world of a Sculptor with a Hormone Problem." Mouse finished darkly.

Spike just blinked.

"Harry Potter, you twit."

"…"

"Get it? Harry Potter?…Hairy…Hormones?….oh forget it…"

"…." A blank look from the Vampire.

"Wizards? Witches? Magic?"

The last word hit home as the vampire began to run laps around Professor Mouse, screaming hysterically about his extreme dislike of magic.

It was about this time that Manson showed back up with Sirius on a leash, which she jerked up so that he was now dangling slightly off the ground, clawing at the collar and trying to breathe.

"MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!" she screamed shrilly, causing Spike to collapse, holding his sensitive vampire ears.

Mouse looked from Manson to Sirius, who was still clawing at the collar and turning slightly purple, then back to Manson.

"I didn't know you were into bondage…"

"Wha…he's a puppy!" Manson's eyes became the size of Buick hubcaps.

"He's going to be a dead puppy if you don't let him breathe…"

"Oops." Manson dropped the near unconscious Sirius who somehow managed to nod a thanks to Mouse.


	4. MRS Norris isn't shiny

**TITLE:** Stay In The Closet

**AUTHOR:** LoveableMuggle

**DISCALIMER:** I don't own anything from any fandom mentioned in this story. Also Mouse & Manson belong to themselves and can be found on deviant art here: http://www.chanchan-comics.

**WARNINGS:** For: Violence ( the playful kind 3 ), possible language, slash hints, fluff, and our attempts at humor.

**A.N:** once again please don't kill me it's just for fun and flames will still be ignored sickeningly sweet smile wee a slighty longer chapter 3  
Oh and Iz thats what you get for not sharing the fudge -twitch- hehe

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_CHAPTER 4 - MRS. Norris Isn't Shiny._

"Look you hurt his ears.." Mouse said calmly motioning to the whimpering Vampire, who was clutching his ears.

"Wha…who…SPIKE!" screaming the exact same shill scream Manson pounced on the now crying Vampire, dragging Sirius along with her.

_Meanwhile back in the potions closet…_

Snape had been plotting all the painful ways he could kill those two filthy muggles as soon as he got his wand…and his clothing…back. He was currently on way 97 which included a very fine paste of pigeon and gunpowder…

Don't ask, just accept.

Ahem, yes where were we? OH yeah…

Manson had Spike in one arm and Sirius in the other, squeezing them as if they were very large ( and much more attractive than normal ) teddy bears. Much to the discomfort of Sirius and Spike, though Mouse was amused, for a few minutes anyway. She finally made Manson drop both of them and Sirius landed on his head - so he was unconscious once again for a while. Spike was preparing to tell both of them off in a very colorful way when he was suddenly distracted by Mrs. Norris… which lead to a series of events that had to be erased from everyone's mind by way of neuralizer.

All well and good - by this time of course Sirius was awake and was very slowly wiggling away from Manson. Manson herself was too busy playing with the neuralizer to notice this.

"Oooo, what's this button do?!" flash! Manson blinked and looked down at the small metal tube in her hand.

"Oooo, what's this button do?!" flash! Manson blinked and looked down at the small metal tube in her hand.

"Oooo, what's this button do?!" flash! and so it continued for about five minutes, until Mouse snatched it away with a 'gimme dat before you get brain dam-…never mind.'

Manson was preparing to pout when, low and behold she was distracted by Mrs. Norris and the whole bloody thing had to be erased again.

"Alright before anything else happens…" Mouse grabbed Spike by the collar and began stalking off down the hall.

A few feet away she turned and waited while Manson scolded her "puppy" for trying to escape. Oddly enough, Sirius looked slightly guilty about having the leash between his teeth where he had been trying to gnaw through the leather.

**Dum dum DUUM**

Snape was to way 114 to kill the 'evil, sinister, annoying, un-cooperative, muggle bitches who could not be bribed' that stole his clothing when the door to the closet swung open nearly blinding him.

"COMPANY, SNAPEIE POO!!"

_'That one would be the first to die, oh yes…'_

However, he didn't get much time to plan to get out of the closet while the door was open or even a way to kill the caffeine induced ball of spaz bouncing just outside the door, because - at that moment a bundle of black coat and swearing landed on top of him. Needless to say, the door was then slammed.

On the other side of the door, Manson and Mouse had their ears pressed against the thick wood and disturbingly large grins plastered on their faces.

Silence.

Mouse chibied as the two little voices from the closet said 'thankyoo' in unison.


	5. Poptarts & Sex

_CHAPTER 5 - Poptarts & Sex._

"You know what to do, correct?" Mouse had resumed her apathy as she looked at her cuz.

"Yesh, maaaasteeer…. Yesshh!!" and she bounced off again, only to return moments later behind two panicking redheads.

She laughed hysterically as she chased the twins, who wee more used to spreading the chaos than having it inflicted on them.

"That's not what you're supposed to be doing!" Mouse tugged on Sirius' leash and he stopped trying to pull it out of her hand, standing there like a good dog. She tossed him a Scooby Snack.

Manson skidded to a stop after the third lap of chasing the Weasly twins around the entire school.

"Yeah… but… but… CANDY!" she stared at the two with - once again - Buick hubcap-sized eyes.

They quickly promised to give her all the candy she wanted if she'd only stop chasing them.

This caused Manson to blink at them rapidly before bounding after them again, screaming out "EYE Candy!!"

Mouse should've expected something along those lines to happen, though it was kind of hard to tell if she did or not as she still had the same look on her face.

For those of you who have not yet figured it out, this look simply stated that she was surrounded by idiots.

On Manson's next lap, Mouse caught her by the end of the Slytherin robe that she had apparently stolen from Draco Malfoy, who was now chasing her as she chased the Weasly twins. Unaware that she was now held in place, Manson kept running.

Draco decided the best line of action here was to forget the robe and find a safe place to hide.

"Would you just go do what you're supposed to do?"

"What fun would that be?" She slowly realized that she was being held in place and stopped running.

Mouse scowled. "Think about it."

Realization dawned like a flashlight beam - quite possibly because Sirius had caught the semi-contagious insanity and shone a torch at her - on Manson's face before she bounded off for the Headmaster's office.

Unfortunately for Mouse, she forgot that she still had hold of her spazing partner-in-destruction's robe. Of course, she remembered quite suddenly, giving her just enough time to look down at the robe in her hands, then back up at the people she'd never noticed before that seemed to be reading this pathetic story.

"Help me," she whispered.

So now, my friends, we reach one of the most amusing - and confusing - scenario in this series of random events: A seventh-year Slytherin wanna-be running down the hallways, flailing wildly and screaming, a rather fluffy and sweet-smelling Sirius Black with a spiked leather collar and leash around his neck trying to keep up with her, and the 'new' Professor Snape flying along like a black flag behind her, hanging on to the end of her robe.

The whole parade stopped with a bone-shattering cry of "POPTART!" at the alcove of a creepily-happy looking gargoyle.

Manson and Mouse both jumped up at the same time.

"Lemon Drops," Manson said.

"Peppermint rounds!" said Mouse

"Caramel."

"Strawberry Tart."

"POPTART!" Sirius shouted.

Mouse blinked at the man standing behind them. Manson produced a poptart from no where and tossed it to him.

"Gummy Worms." Mouse started again.

"Chocolate covered bananas with brown beans!"

'Wut… eww!"

"It was worth a try."

"No… it wasn't."

"OOOH, OOOH, OOOH, I KNOW!"

"No more beans."

"No, no - something no one would ever think of!"

"Then how did YOU manage?"

"Fanfics."

"Oh… ok, then."

Manson cleared her throat. "Severus Snape in love!"

The staircase slowly appeared as the gargoyle turned. Manson smiled triumphantly at Mouse.

"Yeah, yeah. You stole that from another fic," She said as she shoved Manson out of the way and headed up the stairs.

"…poptart?" Sirius whispered hopefully, following them.

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**A.N.** - Just incase those of you do not we thought it best to say that Spike is from Buffy The Vampire Slayer & Angel. Also the next random person to appear out of no where will be from Lord of the Rings. ( mental treats recived agent Iz, good work -salutes- ) 


	6. The World's Longest Staircase

"So who's going in first?" Mouse asked.

"We all go in first," Manson drawled in a horribly fake French accent, "there is no first in this... sect!"

"Did you say sex?" Sirius asked brightly.

"No," Mouse handed him her own magically-appearing poptart. "Shut up."

"Yes, mahster," Manson said.

"Not you."

"Oh, right."

So they all marched up the stairs, side by side by side.

Hey, there were three of them, how else were they gonna do it?

Manson popped up and chibied into text "threesome?!"

"No!" Mouse screamed, "no het! No yuri! My eyes! My poor bloody eyes!"

"You've been hanging around Spike toooooo much," Manson cackled.

"I have reasons for that."

"Oh, dear."

"Oh, dear?! What do you mean '_oh, dear_'?! Did I say oh, dear to you the day you jumped off the roof with a trash bag parachute? Did I say oh, dear to you the day you were doing donuts with the lawn mower?"

"That was fun!"

"It wasn't even a riding mower!"

"What's your point?"

"Never mind. Did I oh, dear you when you mistook the bleach for mouthwash? Did I oh, dear you the eighty-seventh time you ran into your bedroom door?"

"No, seems ta me you were just laughing a lot."

"Exactly! So no 'oh, dearing' my slash addiction!"

"Since when are you so un-apathetic?"

"Since when do you use words with more than one syllable?"

"What's a syllable?"

"This is the longest stairway I've ever climbed," Sirius remarked.

"Shut up!" both girls screamed, stuffing poptarts into his mouth.

A moment - or eighteen - later, they were outside a door.

"You knock."

"Right!" Manson slammed her head against the door.

"Not like that."

"That's the only way I ever learned."

"Boy, does that explain a lot."

"Come in!" called a cheerful voice.

"AhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" screamed Manson. "Satan! Satan is within! Run for your sooooooouuuuuuuullllllllllllllsssssssss!!"

"Just go in," Mouse sighed.

"Okay!" Manson opened the door and bounced inside.

She came face to face with a bearded man in fuchsia robes spattered with green and turquoise stars.

"My eyes! They bleeeeeeeeeeeeed!" she fell down on the floor and died in a puddle. Or pretended to.

It's hard to tell with Manson...

"Can I help you, Severus?" Albus Dumbledore asked.

Mouse sighed. It had been fun pretending to be Snape at first. Now, with everyone believing it even though she was almost two feet shorter - not to mention the _wrong sex_, well...

It was getting scary.

"Hey!" Manson had a miraculous recovery. "What's Gandalf doing here, anyway?"

"That's not Gandalf," Mouse sighed.

"Who is this, Severus? I don't recognize him."

Him?!

"Uh..."

"Oh, those are Mr. Malfoy's robes. Another hex by the Gryfindors, Mr. Malfoy?"

"Yeah, sure, Gandy!"

"It's not Gandalf!" Mouse replied, regaining some of her apathetic-ness. Is that a word?

"Yes it is!"

"No, it's not."

"Yes!!"

"No."

"WhhhhhhhAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaa!! Want Gandy!"

"Fine." Mouse did the magical snapping fingers bit, and a confused Wizard in a big pointy hat showed up.

"Gandy!" Manson screamed, and clung to his feet.

"What the...?" Gandalf stared down.

"Ah, a fellow Wizard!" The twinkle in Dumbledore's eye, Mouse thought, should be observed by an optometrist. That couldn't be healthy.

"Lemon drop?" Neither could those things. They looked like congealed... um, yeah.

Never mind.

"Poptart?" Sirius popped up and asked.


End file.
